|
dogbusonline.com presents... The Dogbus Parent (it's better than the Biological crap you offer)
|
www.dogbusonline.com
Let's face it, today's modern parent doesn't have time for children.
No matter how your palm-pilot arranges your schedule, from Monday's bikini-wax, through Wednesday's trip to Motel Adultery, to Friday/Saturday's ecstasy-induced sex-coma, no parent on earth could ALSO care for children.
Just because someone somehow got sperm all over someone else's ova - kids think they have the right to interfere in their parents' already hectic and fashionable lifestyles. Well, not anymore, children. Your days of being loved for free are coming to an end! The parent of the future won't let an insignificant thing like insemination stop them from loving life, instead of their offspring. No sir, Tomorrow's Mom and Dad want shooting semen into a uterus to be as meaningless and consequence-less as shooting it into an eye-socket.
And, here at Dogbus, it's just that kind of thinking that gets our negligent scientists drawing things on drawing-boards, patenting things at patent-offices, and watching slightly less episodes of Quantum Leap (due to the demand on their time).
So, it is with great enthusiasm that Dogbus announces the creation of our patented Parent-O-Bot: A sophisticated robot with all the skills and capabilities of a parent, but none of the debilitating cocaine addiction.
Read on, for five persuasive examples of how the indispensable Parent-O-Bot can help you successfully take back the worthless time you almost spent loving and caring for children as a parent.
Trouble Putting the Little Ones To Sleep?
So your damn kid can't get to sleep at night, and Children's Aid won't let you whiskey the problem under the carpet, eh? Luckily, because if it couldn't even get kids into bed at night this robot would really suck, the Parent-O-Bot is programmed with multiple techniques, several of them permanent, for putting children to sleep. Whether your child's annoying sleeplessness arises from the fact that you make her sleep in a tanning bed, because you don't have anywhere else to keep it, or some other reason; the Parent-O-Bot can solve your problem. The Parent-O-Bot can read them a classic bedtime story to help them doze off. Or it can read them a story so scary they suffer permanent insomnia, thus sleep (for them) would be irrelevant. And if that doesn't work, the Parent-O-Bot will emit a deadly-poisonous vapour into your child's lungs, because even robots can get impatient.
So your Wuss-Ass Kid is getting Beat Up at School
The school-yard bully is a fact of life for many children. And the problem with that is the time parents must spend teaching their nerdlinger offspring how to deal with it. Whether you decide to teach your kid to stand his ground and not be pushed around, or to never get a girlfriend by being a puss-out and to stay out of trouble by reading Star Trek novels… with the Parent-O-Bot, why bother? A few simple strokes on a key pad will turn your bedtime-story-reading parenting robot into a ruthless kill-bot capable of slaughtering your kid's whole class in a nanosecond, let alone a portly bully. And then, with its high speed wireless internet connection, the Parent-O-Bot can even sell the unmutilated organs for you on E-Bay.
Responsibility and The Facts of Life
Fuckin' kids always seem to want pets. But who the hell has the time to take care of them, AND teach kids some responsibility? Not you! You have a goddamned office Christmas party fuck your way through. Thankfully, the Parent-O-Bot comes fully prepared to deal with your unwanted children, as well as your slightly more bearable family pets. But your damn brats need to develop a concept of mortality. That's why the Parent-O-Bot comes with an embedded algorithm that makes it regularly kill pets, and sometimes siblings. But the best part is that it will always plant evidence blaming one of nature's deadly excuses, like cancer. So you have one less mouth to feed, and the rest of your family learns a valuable lesson: they might be next.
The Birds and the Bees
There's nothing more embarrassing and uncomfortable for a parent than having to talk to their kids about sex. Wouldn't it be easiest for parents to have, and funny for the rest of us to imagine, a robot whose job it was to talk to kids about puberty and sexuality? No, it wouldn't. Our scientists, some of whom are parents with social lives, don't have time for that kind of delicate programming. Instead, it's easiest to have the Parent-O-Bot constantly accuse your children of masturbating, especially in front of their teachers and grand-parents, from the moment they hit puberty. So, instead of inquiring about the facts of life, they'll simply be so sexually repressed and embarrassed that they'll never ask. Problem solved. Time saved.
Making Dinner, and Savings on the Grocery BillHoly shit, your drugged out and condomless lifestyle has you so busy making babies, you sure as hell don't have time for taking care of them. And that includes shopping for, and preparing dinner. But there's more to it than that - thongs, heroin purses, and limousines (necessities for every parent) don't come cheap. That's why you need a parenting robot that can not only cook up dinner, but can also do it on a shoe-string budget. Fortunately, the convenient Parent-O-Bot is designed to greet your children each morning with sayings such as: "Good morning, Suzie. You're looking monstrously overweight today." Or "Randy, with bitch-tits like those, you'll be getting a girlfriend in no time… seriously - there's NO time you'll ever be getting a girlfriend." Soon, your grocery list will only include the Pepto-Bismol and All-Bran you survive on, and your kids will be anorexic in no time. And even if they're not, Parent-O-Bot was already slipping tape-worms and yellow-fever into their food and toothpaste.
Furious P
|
|
|
|
|
|
| |
