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Week 95-Foreskin
Well shit. I'd like to say that I'm totally comfortable not having a foreskin, and that my masculinity is equal to my more skinful peers. I'd like to say I prefer my more aerodynamic, less wind-resistant model of penis. But how can I be sure? How can I even be sure that aerodynamicism and wind-resistance are good qualities for a penis to have? The problem is: I can't be sure.
In a race to stop a hot air balloon from crashing into a pit of molten lava, dropping excess weight like sand-bags and those kids from the 'Make a Wish' foundation (because they're going to die soon anyway, and besides their wish was to ride a hot air balloon, not to survive a hot air balloon ride) could mean the difference between life and death. Similarly, I've always thought that in the race to drop trou' and wang someone to pregnancy in the shortest time humanly possible, the penis without the foreskin scores first. But now I wonder if this is true…
Scientists say that man's most densely packed nerve clusters (other than around the prostate gland, but this isn't about whether I'm an adventurous lover, Rhonda) are located on the penis, including the foreskin. But wait a minute… does that mean when it comes to oral, vaginal or robot stimulation of genitals, the foreskinned pleasure harder than the foreskinless? And why has a robot never stimulated my genitals? Is it because I have no foreskin? Is it!?!
Of course some religions come without a foreskin. Judaism, for example. But I'm no Jew, not even a little bit. So, I end up with all of the hacked-off man-sheath, none of the financially rewarding career in stand up comedy that comes with being a Jew.
So, for making me: look longingly out the window wondering what it would be like to fondle my own foreskin, question my own penile adequacy, and for possibly denying me the most satisfying robot genital stimulation of my life - foreskin is this week's dogbusonline.com arch enemy of the week.
Week 94-The CBC
I used to consider myself a man of culture. A man who, despite my community college education and horrible addiction to farm-pornography, can hold his own in an argument and understands what's going on in the world. My teacher was CBC Radio 1. With its constant news updates, lively debates and its cultural smorgasbord of worldly information I was always on top of what was hip with university professors in the late fourties/early fifties demographic. Unfortunately, with the lockout at the CBC, I'm not really sure what's going on anymore. My language skills have … done the opposite of increasing, my worldly knowledge is now limited to what I assume is happening, and my erections have all but vanished without the smooth voice of Sheila Rogers.
My job requires a fair amount of driving and with popular music being so unbelievably bad these days, what commercial free chatter am I to listen to on the drives? Where am I to get my commercial free, Canadian biased news? I heard there was a Hurricane Kitty that recently rode through the Northwest Territories but I'm not sure my source (me, telling myself) is very reliable.
And it's not just me, I realize now. My friends are suffering too. Just like myself, I thought they were well-informed, intelligent people who could think for themselves - and just happened to agree with me on most topics. But without the CBC we're all reverting to our natural states of ignorance. Some of us are thinking those new Stephen Harper ads might have a point. Others are thinking maybe Lloyd Robertson IS Canada's most trusted news anchor. This never would have happened before! Where are you Mansbridge?!?
For bringing me back down to a simpleton small-town boy with a farm-fetish and nothing else… For destroying my language skills so they not as well as they used to be giraffe… The CBC is this week's Dogbusonline.com Arch Enemy Of The Week.
Week 93- Iraq
Damn it, Iraq! Look at what you've done to New Orleans! If only you hadn't elected a dictator, faked having weapons of mass destruction just to make President Bush look bad, AND THEN spiraled into years of American killing chaos just because the U.S. wanted to redecorate the Middle East with a regime change!
Why couldn't you have willingly and peacefully handed over your oil to your new American landlords…? Not only would gas prices be lower, but also the good God fearing (and believe me, now they FEAR God) people of America would have an army to save them from Mother Nature, and a President who wasn't too preoccupied fighting third-world anarchy in the third-world to stop third-world anarchy from breaking out in his own first-world backyard.
Unfortunately, thanks to you Iraq, the entire U.S. military and all of its reserves and equipment are tied up fixing a mess YOU could have prevented by being more invade-able.
Meanwhile, the tax-paying, Bush-Voting, people of New Orleans are surrounded by their own dead bodies, contaminated water, violent shootings, explosions and starvation. You probably can't even imagine what that's like. Bastards.
So, for creating a world in which America is forced to become narrow-mindedly obsessed with invading oil producing nations that at first appear easy to invade but later turn out to be really frigging hard to invade, while simultaneously causing the good white President to neglect his own people (the same ones that elected him, trusting that he would keep America safe) Iraq is this week's dogbusonline.com's arch enemy of the week.
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